Between the Sheets

Okay, let’s get into this. So, from 2010 to 2019 I spent a lot of time trying to find my identity in the art world. In my opinion, I failed miserably, now I’ll tell you why, how I’ve changed and what this painting has to do with it.

First, and probably most importantly, I didn’t try to get better. Once I got out of school, I played it safe with my subjects and techniques. I didn’t branch out or take risks, and I really didn’t try to grow as an artist. I look back on some of my old work and to be totally honest, I knew even back then that it wasn’t my best. I rushed through pieces and was more focused on quantity over quality. I had it in my head if I could sell work fast and often, then that’s how I would know I was successful. I didn’t want to be better; I just wanted to be out there. I needed the approval of others more than I needed it from myself, or at least that was my mindset at the time. And boy was I wrong. All that led to was me desperately trying to have my hands in everything art related, all of which I executed quite poorly, I cringe now thinking about the bridges I probably burned in my ignorance. I won’t be so dramatic to say I ruined my reputation in my local art community (I don’t know that I was ever big enough to have mattered quite that much), but I do know I made things a lot harder for myself and unnecessarily dug a hole I would later need to climb out of. But that’s a blog post for a different day, let’s get back to the art itself.

As I was saying, I rushed my work, and I didn’t take any risks with the subject matter or techniques. I had this mentality that I didn’t care that my work could be great as long as it was good enough. And if we’re being super honest, now that I can properly reflect on my poor decisions, it all comes back to fear of rejection. I was really afraid if I cared too much about my work and put too much of my true self in it, then I wouldn’t be able to handle it if others didn’t like it, because that would mean they didn’t like the real me; the rough edges or raw pieces. And what was the result of that play it safe mentality, you ask? Burn out, of course.

In an effort to compensate for my unoriginal, work and lack of growth, I stretched myself way too thin trying to do way too much from a marketing perspective, I wanted to be successful, but I didn’t want to put the work into my art so I put the work into being present instead, I wanted to be in every show, I wanted to be associated with every art thing. I wanted to be a key player in the art community, because then I thought doors would just magically open for me so I wouldn’t have to be afraid of rejection. Ultimately, I wanted all of the rewards with none of the risk and none of the vulnerability. And when I crashed, I crashed hard. The more time I spent with actual artists (which I didn’t consider myself at the time), the more I realized I was missing what they had, and no amount of promoting myself would fix it. I listened to other artists talk about their work (something I couldn’t do without sounding like a generic salesperson) and I could hear their joy and passion. I could feel the fire they had and see how they believed it what they did. I knew that was what I lacked, a spark I just didn’t have. (No, the irony of burning out when I couldn’t catch fire is not lost on me. So, maybe fizzled out is more accurate.)

Anyway, I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t enjoy my work, I didn’t feel connected to the community I was trying to desperately to weave myself into, and to be honest, I wasn’t even sure I liked most of the people I was trying so hard to impress anyway. I got carried away with everything I wanted to be, and nothing came from it except my own growing bitterness. So, I just stopped. Completely dropped out of the art scene for years. I didn’t attend shows, didn’t talk to any artists, and didn’t even pick up a brush for years.

I took myself out of the community, and out of my art because I don’t know that I truly allowed myself to be fully submersed in it to begin with. After that, I spent a number of years of working on myself and my mental health and eventually came to the realization that I was missing an element of vulnerability and rawness in my work. Nothing I painted had any life because I wasn’t willing to put any part of myself into it. So, being the literal creature I am, I decide the first step to dealing with this was to literally paint myself. Enter “Between the Sheets”.

There is so much I could tell you about this piece, as it is so many “firsts” for me. It was my first attempt at painting the human form. I spent a long time avoiding it, because I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough to be able to get it right. Now most of my work consists of the human body. Speaking of, this was also the first time I painted something a little on the risky side, as it definitely leans into the beauty and sensuality of the female body. Up until this piece, my work was mostly animals and scenery because it was… you guessed it, safe and easy. Now my work explores the human experience, our dark natures that we try to keep hidden, and the way we beautifully blend our dreams with reality. Lastly, this is the first time I painted myself, which gave me a new appreciation for my body and the person I am.

Needless to say, this piece means so incredibly much to me and I owe a lot of who I am as an artist now to the creation of this piece. This was definitely one of the first times in a very long time that I could say I fell in love with the process, and even more so with the final work. Now it serves as a visual reminder for me to put a piece of myself in everything I create, and to not be afraid for being a vulnerable or a little bit raw. There’s a lot of beauty and inspiration to be found in those moments.

“Between the Sheets” | 2023 | Acrylic on Canvas

(Slight spoiler alert: I overcorrected a ton, and while I love the peace, complexity and vulnerability I’ve found in my work, I seem to have forgotten how to put myself out there and share that work with the world in a genuine way. So, for more on that, please read my blog post titled, “So You Want to Be an Artist”.)